Wednesday, January 26, 2005, 10:33 AM
A CLEAN BREAKUP
I woke up this morning.Switched on my mp3 player.and the song that i was listening to last nite halfway,started to play.It was Big Brovaz-Baby Boy.The tears just started coming...It feels so terrible.I have soo many things going through my head.So many questions.Should i really have seen it coming?Cos i never expected things to turn out like this.
Yesterday i went to look Ben up to talk things out.Things were getting out of hand.He was upset that i lied to him bout nth happening btw me and Nicole.But i really intended to tell him that we kissed.He asked me a couple of times but i kept saying nth happened in a cheeky manner.Though i did say it to him w/o him pressing me for an answer, he still takes it as a lie and that it was cos he pushed me into saying it.I was too shy to say it out loud!Okay,so maybe i shouldn't have said NO.i should have said DUNNO..?He thinks that if it had been a guy,I probably won't tell him.This break with Ben...is for real or for good..?I really don't know..I kept blaming myself..It was so stupid for me to feel sad.I shouldn't have feel hurt at all.I should have known that karma thing would happen.Okay,even if i don't blame it on the karma..I kept thinking how much shit i got from my parents just to get together with him.I held on to the thought that it was all worth it.Ha.How naive.Friends warned me.My parents warned me.But i didnt heed their advice.I didnt want them to be right.I wanted to prove them wrong.But what he said made sense too.We started too fast.We don't even know each other well.This break is supposed to let us get to know each other better.
He told Yanqi he wanted some time off with me.He told me that "we should just be friends now.den let whatever happens in the future happen.Take care you'll always be special to me.i seriously hope it would turn out good and not just cos we're attracted to each other kinda thing..i just wan to get to know u better as a friend first den how we progress frm there is different again"Doesnt it sound like it the end?Its just a nicer way to say break up.But i can't help but think that its a breakup for real.I keep telling myself i can take this since i've been prepared.I told others that he's a fun guy.
This relationship should have been a light hearted one,for fun.Though deep in my heart i wanted this relationship for real...I never knew that things would turn out this way.Josy warned me before.I should have seen it coming right?I shouldn't have gotten too involved with him.I didn't want my parents to be right too...Right bout how he's just playing with me.
When Ben asked whether i could commit,i knew whatever answer i said wouldn't matter cos my record already says it all and how he and i started also said something bout my commitment issue.Even though I would tell him i would not do that to him...I guess its pretty hard to prove.I guess i don't really know myself.I hope time will take away the pain.Though the scar will still be there..just like the cigarette burn he gave me from the day we started,i hope it gets lighter and fades away.Steph said that he's serious bout me that's why he wants to know you better first.Somehow.I find that hard to swallow.I really don't know whats going on.Once again,i'm in the situation where i got no stand.
All i can do is just wait to see.If he talks to me,i'm try to treat him as per normal.its gonna be hard.But i'll try my best.I really dunno what to think anymore.Does he really want to be with me?Or does he not want to?If he claims he wanna be friends first,how do we hang out together when he doesnt even talk to me now?I really dunno what to think anymore.I'm stuck in this situation where i feel there's nothing much i can do.I'm hafta be strong and pull through this.And be alright.If things just gonna end like this.What can i say?So be it then.As long as time keeps on passing by,I'll get better!Yanqi said sorry for all that has happened.I don't need no pity ya know?Even if it was just sth polite to say.I couldnt help but feel like she's feeling sorry for me.But i'm glad i have her...I know she's such a loyal buddy..I know she would be there for me to help me stand up once again.Like how Steph,Josy,Mariyanto,Adeline and HengJing would do the same for me.She will look after me and make sure i'm fine =)
This r/s,just like the cigarette burn he gave me from the day we started,will leave me a scar.But yeah,it will fade away.But it wont go away.I know Ben feels insecure with me.Just like how Marc feels.I brought everything upon myself.I didn't heed advices.I didn't start it off right.I didn't end it right with Marc either.I guess its really true when u start too fast,you'll end fast too.I should have known..But I really really didn't see it coming.Kept telling myself not to get too involved and putting too much into this r/s,cos i'm gonna get hurt.Blame it on the karma thingy.I hurt Marc and now i get hurt.Okies.its not on the karma.its ME.ME.ME. Everything just adds up.ITS ALL MY FAULT...
Baby Boy
From the day that I saw you
I knew that we would pursue
Cause the chemistry
we felt that day
Felt so real, and so true
Looking back on a year we spent together
How its been, what we went through
Although we've had our little ups and downs
We've still pulled through
Baby girl youre my world my everything
I wanna lace you with diamonds and every ring
Give you everything
you dream and fantasize
Cause you can tell me
that you love me
Looking in my eyes
You keep it real with me,I keep it real with you
You keep on loving me,Ill keep on loving you
Keep doing what you do,I feel your whole aura
And I cant wait to hook up again tomorrow baby - what
Chorus
My love for you will never end
Youll always be a part of me
As long as time keeps on passing by
Youll always be my baby boy.
Everytime I look at you,I cant believe I've found a love so true (and)
I took my time to put my trust in you
I must admit it was so hard to do
And every minute that I spend with you
You make me believe I have nothing to lose and
Deep down I always knew that you would be mine
Do you believe in destiny
Because I got a funny feeling this was meant to be
Without you Id be lost,I need you next to me
Preferably in the house full of luxuries and little kids
From day one I was sprung,knew you was gonna be one
Cause my heart spoke for the very first time in a long while
And every time you smile, I can see us walking up the aisle with you carrying my child Cmon
Chorus
My love for you will never end
You'll always be a part of me
As long as time keeps on passing by
You'll always be my baby boy
If you were to go, I don't know
You're the only one whosweeps me off my feet
Makes my soul go weak
The only one who makes my heart wanna beat and I,
I could never live without you
You know that what I feel has to be true
Cause you're my, my sweet love
Ever since the first time,
that I looked into your eyes
I knew that you were gonna be mine
Feeling you from the inside,
when you're not by my side
Youre the only girl thats on my mind
I never knew a love like this,
a love so strong
A vision so picture perfect it could never be wrong
Along the way, youre gonna see you belong with Jay
I might have to marry you one day baby eh..
Chorus
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